IDK I’m just gonna type and see what happens????

This is from my MySpace page. I posted it on April 12 of this year. I'm working on getting everything linked and switched to this...so bear with me please =)

Well I haven't written anything here in quite some time...not sure why, it's surely not from not having anything to write, I just haven't....
A lot has been going on in my life lately, changes, some good some not so nice and all for my good (at least eventually) I hope.
Most of you know, at least those close to me anyway, that before new years I fell and broke my kneecap...not so nice let me tell ya, I don't recommend having it on your list of things to do....and that marked the beginning of a journey not only of physical healing but spiritual as well.

God's been doing a lot in my heart and mind, rearranging a lot of things, showing me things about me that are rather ugly to say the least, yet all the while holding me close to His heart. It has been a heart wrenching, painful journey of inner reflection and "house cleaning" you could say. Yet all the while never being more than I could bear.

I am in awe at how loving, forgiving, unconditional, and compassionately God's mercy and love have been, in complete balance with his judgment, correction, and chastisement. I still marvel at the fact that though all this muck and mire that I've dragged Him though He still CHOOSES to chase after me...holding me...drawing me....wooing me back into His embrace, back into the safety of His great arms.

For reasons only completely understood by Him, He marked me, set me apart, and refuses to let me go (or get away with anything). I am so forever grateful to Him. It is beyond my human reasoning as to why me, why does He chase after me so, what is it that makes me so important to Him that He does this, and not just once, but many times over the past 2-3 years. I have wrestled with this time and time again and my only conclusion...because He loves ME and HE has a PLAN for my life that is way beyond what I can fathom.

It says in the Bible that even if I chose to make my very bed in hell He would still yet be there with me. Saying that no matter where you go, God is going to follow you and attempt all He can to get you to see your sin and turn from it. And know what, it doesn't have to be what we consider "big" sin either. It can be little things. Things that are seemingly harmless or not even noticeable until revealed by Him. I am beginning to think that the little things are more dangerous than the big things are.

Through all of this, I've had to re-evaluate some things in my life and make some adjustments. He's brought me face to face with my convictions and my lack of passion to stand behind them...hence hypocrisy at its best. What am I doing teaching one standard yet living by another, while attempting to uphold the appearance of the other? Fighting a battle raging within between body and spirit, one knowing what is right and the other attempting to ignore and or justify the wrong doing as "well maybe this is what I'm supposed to do". Bringing in another ugliness with that I came face to face with...pride...it's only a small 5 letter word but oh, the trouble that it can cause. You see the problem with pride is just that, it is little, it's really just a one-letter word, a word we say all the time, "I". Oh, the impact that one little word can have on our entire lives. Pride's plan of attack is simple, come in under radar, slide it quietly and unnoticed and than once planted, grow, grow, grow....its like kudzu, for those in the south you have a better understanding of this and the results of its seemingly harmless blooms. You see, kudzu is a flowering vine, not ugly or apparently harmful at first, but soon, left untended and it will overtake everything else. We have ravines here that are completely overtaken by it, during spring/summer you can see nothing but this vine, it overtakes everything in its path....trees, hillsides, buildings, poles, wires...it doesn't care, it will wrap itself around anything, eventually completely covering that which it is growing on and even changing its appearance. The tree that it is on, dads says eventually it will kill the tree, becoming like a leech or tumor, draining all the life from the tree for itself. And that's what pride does. It sneaks up on us, coming in as a small apparently insignificant decision of self, trailed by more little decisions, until eventually it's a twisted vine of decision after decision that leads you down a spiraling road that leads to spiritual death.
It doesn't take long for it to overtake you, and in my case it was subtle, nothing that would cause alarm in anyone, just decisions made, thoughts thought, actions committed, and plans made all for and by ME, Myself, and I. Without general concern for, or really consulting anyone, let alone God. I mean, I was praying and asking and believing...but I forgot the vital steps...waiting and listening...another flaw...impatience, or really just weariness in waiting is more like it.
You see this day and age is a disservice to us at times. We are so used to and programmed to expect everything immediately, right now, when we ask for it. Everything is better the faster we can get it from food, to the internet, to ATMs. We learn to expect a response or result the minute we pose the question. You see the problem with this though is that is not how God works. God is not on our demanding, fast paced, I needed that yesterday world. He is not controlled nor confined to time as we are and so He seems to us to always "take forever" or is "always late" when in reality He is always right on time, it is us who are impatient in our waiting for His perfected timing.

The irony of it all is we usually know this yet still become impatient, irritated, or start believing it is our fault. Thinking, maybe we're not doing something right, not saying something right, not in the right place, or a million other "reasons" or "excuses" our mind may attempt to rationalize the fact that we are standing here, still waiting on something we believe we should have already received. And that, that's when pride sees its opportunity to sneak in unrecognized as itself, under the cover of "I think this is what I should do" or whatever other "I" excuse it can find to ride in under the radar on. And once in, and operating, it has gained all the access it needs to continue its creeping journey of overtaking its host.

You see, that's what happened in my life anyway. I've found myself circling the same mountains and ruts over and over again. Trudging away at what I pretended was a great life, don't get me wrong, at times it was, but always knowing inside that "it's gotta be better than this", "there has got to be a better way", "I've seen this all before". Wondering when I was going to finally get on a new path.